Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel gets drunk and calls Ross to tell him she’s over him and that she has “closure”? The audience knows she doesn’t have anything even close to closure, and that’s what makes it funny.
It’s not so funny in real life, though. There is a lot of talk with regard to relationships about this word, closure. Google it. Why Closure is So Important. How to Get Closure After a Breakup. How to Get Closure From an Ex.
I’ll tell you what I think about closure: It’s bullshit.
When you open yourself up to any relationship you don’t get a guarantee and closure is not part of the deal. Even if you deserve it, you don’t always get that apology. The hard truth is that you just don’t get to demand that everything be wrapped up for you with a neat little bow.
When something ends, particularly if you didn’t see it coming or it’s done in a painful way, it’s normal to seek answers and to try to figure out what the hell happened. Look you guys, I know how much it hurts to be the one who is left, or ghosted on, or clueless about why someone “opted out” on you. But demanding an answer, a reason, or needing to know “why” or “how” are all just ways you give away your power.
Haven’t we all been left baffled and bewildered, hurt and confused by someone at some point in our lives? And, have we ourselves possibly left someone equally flummoxed somewhere along the line? Even I, someone who is fairly expressive and compassionate can’t promise you that I have always given everyone I’ve opted out on “closure”. Can you?
I can promise you with certainty that the “why” doesn’t matter. I can promise you that why might not even have anything to do with you. I can promise you that even if you knew why, it might not give you the closure you so desperately think you need.
Ask yourself – and answer honestly – even if that person told you exactly why they left (or disappeared, or opted out), would it make you feel better? And ask yourself – also answering honestly – is it possible that their leaving (or disappearing, or opting out) could be…prepare yourself….could it be a gift?
Three years ago, I had my heart broken. I got bamboozled. I thought I had found “the one”. He told me he loved me, told me I was his soulmate, even. Then one day, after I argued that we were at an impasse over a recurring issue, he agreed that we should end things. He went with promises of finding his way back to me after he “fixed” the issues that were causing the problem for us, and I, ever the hopeful one, believed him. But three weeks later, he had moved on with someone else, effectively breaking my heart in pieces.
I was stunned. I was baffled. I searched for answers. I suffered with anxiety and I just wanted to know why why why!!! I wanted closure. The most painful thing for me was that he had turned on me so completely – overnight he went from making promises about his undying love for me to coldly ignoring me, throwing my things away, and acting as if I was a stranger. Or worse, like someone who had killed his dog.
Then one day, a very dear friend of mine said, “You know what? Fuck him! Why does he get all this power?”
And it was as if a switch flipped. Why was I waiting for him to give me closure? Why was I waiting for him to give me answers? He was GONE. I had my answer.
My healing was exponential after that. I didn’t need anything from that man, and I never would again. I made my own closure, I moved on without the explanation, without knowing why, and without the apology. I did not need it.
Sometimes, though, if you pay very close attention, when you least expect it – you will get your answer. It may take years, it may take a lifetime. So often, the universe will provide for you a sort of explanation in the big picture. And actually, I’d like to argue, if you pay very, very close attention, you will see that the universe is always providing you with those answers. ALWAYS.
Recently, without needing it or expecting it, I was given some very direct insight to this particular situation. I stumbled upon it, and the truths that were revealed to me through this discovery could only be called validating. And guess what? His “leaving” truly was a gift. And I am still discovering the many ways in which that’s true.
Keep in mind, this kind of validation is not something you can demand. It’s not something you should expect. But when you make your own closure you will find yourself on a path which you otherwise wouldn’t have been on. Which means there will be opportunities you may not otherwise have had. And because of this, there will be people and experiences and friendships and love that will come into your life. And the lesson is that every little thing doesn’t have to make sense to you right now. Trust that it’ll make sense some day.
Because if you pay attention, you will find that the answers are always there, and the path you end up on is right where you were always meant to be.
