When my daughter was learning how to ride a bike, I removed her training wheels and set out with her, determined that she would ride that bike within the hour. But instead, my kid got all whiny and crabby. Her 5 year old self had realized learning a new skill is hard and she wanted it to be easy. So of course: drama. But I was resolute! I was staying positive and upbeat with lots of “You can do it!” and “Come on! Don’t give up!” while I was running alongside her holding on to the back of the bike, keeping her upright and trying to get her to build some momentum. I was not going to give up!
At least, that is, until I lost my shit.
I threw up my hands and as I walked away I said, “Fine. Give up. But if you want that bike to come with us, you’re going to have to ride it back to me.” And I left her ass there.
I didn’t have any grand plan, I was just pissed. And I knew what I was doing wasn’t working. So I stormed off.
You know where this is going, right? After she realized that yelling after me wasn’t going to get her anywhere, she picked herself up and got on the bike. Next thing I know, I hear some panting behind me, and here she comes, clumsily along, but she’s riding the damn bike. And I start offering a little encouragement, the kind that let her know I was still in Pissed Mommy Mode. But she’s doing it, and she’s sort of laughing and crying and concentrating really hard, but she’s doing it all by herself.
We went up and down that path a dozen times with me running next her. She started building more speed and getting more confident with each pass so that eventually I couldn’t keep up. I went back to cheering with lots of “Look at you!” and “You’re awesome, man!” and it was a great little scene. I knew she felt a little like a bad ass, maybe for the first time.
Later, as we packed up her bike to head home, she took my hand, looked at me kind of sheepishly and said, “Thank you for using tough love on me, Mommy.”
It’s one of my favorite mom moments ever.
I was thinking about that today, and got to thinking how sometimes we gotta use that kind of Tough Love on ourselves. In the battle between Head and Heart, we are told Follow Your Heart. Yet sometimes, Heart is stupid. So, Head needs to step in. Here’s where the showdown begins.
We can see clearly what we should do and how we need to get there yet we find ourselves kicking and screaming and not wanting to go that direction. Heart wants to stay, but Head knows that it’s not really going to end up with Heart getting what she really wants in the end. Heart might be afraid of letting go because: pain and suffering. But Head is thinking, yeah, only if you don’t let go, there will be pain and suffering I’m pretty sure.
This is me right now. Heart is sort of having a little tantrum. Heart is being a little stubborn. Heart is trying really hard to get her way. Basically, I keep looking back over my shoulder at what Heart wants. And I keep putting myself in the situation of needing to let go – again. My head keeps trying to get my attention. And my heart keeps saying, “Yeah, but…”
So. Time for me to Tough Love myself, right? Truth is, we can’t always follow our heart. Sometimes, we have to drag it with us in the direction of something else. Our heart often wants something that just isn’t meant for us, so we have to firmly tell it, “No, Dear Heart. That’s not for you right now no matter how much you might want it.”
I want to believe in signs and feelings and “meant to be”. But sometimes your heart will keep you stuck in a place that isn’t going anywhere all because you want that thing so badly – so you start allowing for things that you never thought you would. All because of Heart’s Desires.
When you find yourself compromising over things that are important to you, or trying to shush the little voice in your head that’s getting louder every time you let your heart convince you “maybe this time it’s different”, or letting yourself be content with crumbs, then you know it’s time. It’s time to stop looking back. It’s time to look forward, and keep looking forward. I know it’s hard. Heart can be pretty convincing about this stuff. But, People, you know when something isn’t working. You know when you have to just turn around and start walking, and wait for Heart to put her ass on the bike and ride it in the direction of forward, clumsily along until finally: momentum.
Yes. Sometimes, you need to make your heart follow you instead…
Aww, great story! Figured I’d finally comment on this. Good job, I love reading this.