I’m a romantic. I cry at the slightest sentimental gesture. I cry when I read Nicholas Sparks books. Those sappy, formulaic, manipulative damn stories make me weeeeeep. And I believe, really believe that there is love like that in this world. Can you blame me? My parents have been married 50 years, and yep, they’re still happy.
To make things worse, I feel like love is mystical. Magical. I look for signs, check my gut for a sense of “knowing” – and often I’m right. Often enough to make me really wrong sometimes, if that makes sense.
I am not a woman who falls easily. Actually, strike that. I am not a woman who easily finds someone for whom I am willing to fall. In other words, someone has to be pretty special for me to give up what I’ve got going on my own.
But….but…when I find someone I like…
Well. Then I fall. And it should be noted that I have NO GAME. I put all my cards out on the table when I’m excited about someone. I am realizing this is maybe a fatal flaw, but I don’t think I know how else to be. If I like you, you know it. There isn’t any bullshit here. Period.
Recently, I met someone I liked. And he liked me back. We were sorta crazy about each other. And sorta fast. And, as mentioned, I have no game. As I also mentioned, this doesn’t happen often for me. In the last six years, I can count on ONE HAND the number of men who piqued my interest. But this guy – I got really, really excited about this guy. There seemed to be a level of connection that I haven’t experienced in a while. This kind of connection is rare, indeed.
SPOILER ALERT: It burned up almost as quickly as it began. So, what’s my point in telling you this?
I supposed I am calling myself out a little. The truth is, when I fall, I fall HARD. And I fall FAST. And maybe that’s why I am starting to feel jaded. Maybe even slightly hopeless.
My dear, dear, dear friend, Johnny, pointed out to me that there seems to be this paradox in me. I am genuinely good on my own, happy to stay single until I meet the right fit. Yet, I also really, really want to find that right fit. I tend to “know” instantly if I’m into someone (and know equally instantly when I am not), and because of that, I can take it to be some sort of magical, romantical intervention when I connect on a deeper level with someone. I’m all BEHOLD! AT LAST! HE HAS ARRIVED! You guys, I’m too willing to believe that someone “could be it” just because I like him right away. That’s a problem.
This was hard to admit, but Johnny was right. Of course, officially, I blame Hollywood. And Nicholas Sparks. And my parents. But that doesn’t change the fact that I allowed myself to get a little carried away in this case. Is it possible that I might have run this guy off with my…let’s call it “enthusiasm”, shall we? It takes two to tango and he was right there with me for a bit… but, in the interest of personal growth, I guess I’d better consider that I may have come across a little too eager.
But here’s the thing. How do you reconcile what your heart really wants with the cold, hard truth that you may never get it? I’m asking you, Dear Readers, how do you make peace with not getting something you deeply long for? How do you put the deep desire of your heart on the shelf, and be really okay with maybe never getting it? I always say that I am planning as if it will just be me from here on out, but I don’t really mean it when I say it. I mean, I guess I sort of mean it. I just don’t really believe it will be that way.
To be clear, I don’t feel even a little bit incomplete. I love this life I’ve made for myself and my children. I’m happy. And still, this one thing I deeply desire remains elusive – and there are no guarantees that it will ever come to be. But, I don’t know how to be okay with that. I will always want it, even if I’m 82. (and THAT is when you can call me a cougar. Not before then.)
But, isn’t it true that in life there are many things completely out of our control that we have to just accept? We learn to deal with shit we aren’t happy about and carry on. That’s just life. Right?
I suppose the task is to find a balance between hope and acceptance. I could argue that this is the task for us all, regardless what your heart’s desire is. We have to deal with so much loss and disappointment in this lifetime. It can be hard not to become jaded or hopeless.
I admit, I felt hopeless for about 13 hours this week. How could I get my hopes up about someone I barely knew? Well, because I’m a romantic, and I think romantic love is mystical and magical and I guess I’ll never really stop hoping for it.
See? I’ll be dammed if that little flame didn’t start to flicker and build itself inside me again. F’ing hope. What are we going to do with her?
What would we do without her?