I keep thinking about happiness, and how it’s a choice. But at the same time how, in reality, we have VERY LITTLE CONTROL over most shit.
But then, I get to thinking about agency, and how important it is to exert power and achieve results; how most of us put in a lot of effort attempting to establish a sense of dominion over our lives. We set goals, we pursue dreams, we map out plans and create expectations about how our lives will go. When we are 18 and naive, we create timelines that detail perfectly planned and well executed educations and careers and personal relationships.
Mine went like this:
“I will go to college because even though what I want is to be a famous Broadway Star, it’s important to have an education to fall back on. So, I will get my bachelors degree by age 22, and my teaching credential by 23. Then I’ll move to New York, where I will live a fabulous single life for a couple of years, auditioning for Broadway shows. Then, I’ll probably meet the MOMD (Man of My Dreams), and we will move back to California, settling in an idyllic beach town – probably Santa Barbara. We will get married after we date for two and a half years, and four years after that, we will have our first child, a boy, followed by the girl 2 years later. Happily ever after – the end.”
What actually happened was something not entirely different than that, but not entirely the same (the Broadway success didn’t happen by the way) (and neither did MOMD. More just M).
We live our lives, and we learn to adjust our dreams and expectations as we go. Dreams change, we find ourselves on a path we never imagined, and we shift our hopes and expectations because: healthy. We set goals, and we cross things off our list of accomplishments. In this way, we exercise agency in our own lives, and we learn that when we want something we have to do the work to get that thing. We make it happen. College degree? Check. Advanced degree? Check. Husband? Check. Career? Check. Babies? Check. Marathon? Check.
But, things happen as we go along checking off our lists. Things that remind us that, at the end of the day, control is an illusion. Death of a cherished loved one, divorce, car accident, injury, natural disaster, terrorist attack, mass shootings…
In other words, SHIT HAPPENS.
Shit happens. We are always thinking we have all this control over the future – and then something happens to just rock your world, trip you up, and fuck with your whole plan.
BUT. Does that mean we should just give up? Just throw up our hands and stop trying for the things we want most?
Hell no!
We owe it to ourselves to take control of as much happiness as we can. We aren’t handed a “Happiness Guaranteed” card when we are born. No, we have to FIGHT FOR THAT SHIT. We have to create as much agency as we are able in spite of no guarantee. We have to RELAX, NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL while at the same time we CHASE OUR DREAMS and know that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.
Because otherwise, what’s the point?