Yearning for the thing….

“To sit patiently with a yearning that has not yet been fulfilled…”, to put it plainly, is one of the hardest f*ing things to do in life.

I’m not talking about a yearning for, say, a new car. Or that gorgeous pair of boots you can’t afford. I’m talking about honest to goodness, heart and soul, feel it in your bones yearning. Like, a foster kid yearning for a home. Or a couple that’s yearning for a baby. Or someone like me, yearning for a love to call her own.

Fall, with its crisp evenings, blustery winds, and cuddle-worthy nights makes this yearning that much more keenly felt. I want to be in love with someone. I want someone to be in love with me. And, ideally:  same someone.

In anticipation of the (mostly cliche) advice that is inevitably proffered to a single person expressing such a desire, advice that is certainly intended to make one feel better, let me tell you a little about how I actually do live my life.

I have a very happy, content existence. I have an abundance of love, marvelous children, loyal friends, parents who are active participants, and a healthy perspective on relationships of my past. I live where people pay to vacation and I take advantage of it. I get out and I play. I enjoy my days off, both with and without my children. I have a job I love and I do things that also feed my soul. I have a support network and I know I will never really be alone. Happy and active are two words others might use to describe me, and  a very dear friend recently told me, “You don’t just do single, you kick single’s ass!”

In other words, I’m not sitting here waiting for Prince C to show up.

Yet when I occasionally express SADNESS or MELANCHOLY for not having a partner, I somehow feel like I am not supposed to ADMIT this. I get the feeling that I am allowed to be either happy or sad, but that I can’t be both simultaneously. It’s almost as though you aren’t permitted to be okay -or dare I say thriving-  as a single, and ALSO AT THE SAME EXACT TIME want to find a partner.

“Stop looking, and then you’ll find him.”

“Maybe you’re too picky.”

“He will come along when you least expect him.”

“You have to love yourself first.” (note: personal favorite!)

I’d like to point a few things out. When someone wants a new job, you don’t tell them to stop looking. You don’t suggest that a new job will magically fall into their lap if they “pretend not to want a new job”. I understand the spirit of this advice, but it’s not terribly helpful. Nor is it true. I’m not exactly running around town “looking” for a partner, am I? I’m living my life, doing the things that make ME happy. And as far as being too picky,  I’m not ordering dinner here. I think pickiness in finding a mate is acceptable and even appropriate. Besides, picky and selective are two different things.  I also haven’t been “expecting” anyone, not for a whiiiiile,  yet the right fit has remained elusive. And lastly, I love myself. Crazy about me. I think I am the G*Damn Bees KNEES. So, got that covered, thanks.

Why do people assume that if you’re single or divorced, and if you’ve been that way a while, you must not be doing things you love? Or that you’re looking too hard? Or that you clearly must not love yourself? What the hell is that? Are all married and otherwise coupled people presumably more capable of loving themselves? *insert eye roll*

I am single (mostly) by choice. I left an unhappy marriage because I believed that there had to be more. I believed that I was meant to be in a partnership that felt more authentic, more loving. I believed, and I still do, that being on my own was better than being in a relationship that made me miserable. And in the years since, I have relished my independence, and at the very same time I have continued to long for more.

Guess what? Sometimes, I CRY because I am alone. Sometimes, I feel desperately, horribly lonely, and I yearn for a loving relationship. And I get scared that I may never meet the man who will be as crazy about me as I am about him. It could happen. I could end up the crazy Dog Lady on my street. Maybe.

But sometimes…You guys, sometimes… I come home to an empty house (when the kids go with their dad) and I want to SING because I am so happy to be alone!!  I can’t WAIT to lay all over the couch and watch Friends repeats and eat cereal for dinner and sleep-in and go for a long run – all by my glorious self! I get to do whatEVER I WANT! Also: I have a king size bed on purpose! Just me! I spread out all over that damn thing and I LIKE IT!!

So here’s the nut of the nut. I can be independent and also want a partner. I can be content, and also restless. I can be happy, and also a little sad. I can be confident, and also insecure. I can have faith, and also worry that I may never find the right fit. I can be calm, and also panicked. I can love my life, and also WANT MORE.

There is an inherent duality to our humanness.  We are such a complex mixture of emotions and qualities. I just can’t care anymore if anyone thinks I’m supposed to “not want it so bad”.  Because I do want it. I yearn for it.  I want crazy, amazing, can’t get enough of each other love. And wanting that doesn’t make me a desperate single lady. It makes me HUMAN. A single human who has cultivated a very rich, full life – who would love the right one to come along – not to save her, but to augment what is an already amazing existence.

Hear that Universe? Any day now. Any %$*&^ day now…

Art Cred: Denise M. Casson, Fishing for Love ( buy it here or corndogart.com)