Month: September 2016

I have been thinking a lot lately about letting go. Confession: it’s something at which I am not so good. But recently, I had to let go of someone that I love and care for very deeply. Actually, there were three somebodies (they came as a package deal). It broke my heart to let go, I didn’t want to let go. I still have a tiny ache in my heart that I think will probably always be there on some level – not just for this let go, but for all the let go’s I’ve had to do in life. But this time, I think maybe I was a little better at it than I have been before.

Why? Well, I have had a lot of practice over the last six years or so. I got divorced, for one thing. And since then there have been a few potential romances that turned out to not be right for one reason or another. (This particular relationship was in the top 3. Ok, top 2. In other words, hopes were UP. WAY).  Even though I was eventually able to look back (with the ever helpful ‘hindsight’) and see clearly why those things didn’t work, there were plenty of times that I wallowed. I asked why. I took it personally. And ok, I may have even had a dramatic moment or two, as in “Why me, God? WHY?” Let’s be honest. When you’re riding the sadness wave, trying to detach your heart, you can go to all kinds of dark places.

But here’s the thing I think I’m finally learning:  People come into our lives and we may want them to stay forever. But isn’t it true that some people are only meant to be part of your life for a season? It can be so hard to see why they have to go, yet I think we sometimes try so hard to hold on, we lose the lesson in all the struggle. Instead of clinging, maybe what we need to do is just let go. And instead of suffering, maybe what we need to do is grow from the pain.

This most recent goodbye made me realize that I must still have something to learn about letting go. Truly, I don’t think it will ever be a strength, but why would I want it to be? I like this about myself. I like that I feel deeply, and that when I love it’s for keeps. I like that I can still fall in love, even though I have been hurt. Falling in love is a risky proposition, my friends. But, guess what? I can’t regret a moment I spent falling for this person, because loving him opened me up…and losing him did too. I am glad I invested my heart. I am glad I jumped in, took a chance, and let myself feel, let myself fall. After all, there isn’t much difference between falling in love and having a broken heart; both crack your heart open wide, let some light in, and give you an opportunity to grow.

I had to let go. Letting go was my only choice.

Except for, wait a minute. It WASN’T my only choice, was it? When it comes to love and attachment, we make all kinds of choices that aren’t healthy (refer to my list above). But that was the difference for me this time. It was the only choice I wanted to make. I needed to sit with the sadness, and the heartache, and the frustration. I recognize that to truly live we have to feel it all, the good and the bad. All those let go’s, they teach you something – if you let them.

Listen, we all get our share of heartache in this life. It comes in all forms, doesn’t it? Sadness is part of the deal. But suffering, that’s a choice. (Please note that I am not suggesting that say, a Syrian refugee is choosing to suffer. There are horrendous things happening in this world every day that cause suffering, and that’s not what I’m talking about here).

What I am talking about is taking your sadness, your heartbreak, your disappointment, and making the choice to feel those things without staying there. To move on …. but without the apology, without the closure, without necessarily understanding why. To let go, to learn, to grow, to know that shitty things don’t necessarily happen “for a reason”. Growing, changing, evolving, and releasing your grasp on “what should have been”, to make room for what can still be.

 

 

I keep thinking about happiness, and how it’s a choice. But at the same time how, in reality, we have VERY LITTLE CONTROL over most shit.

But then, I get to thinking about agency, and how important it is to exert power and achieve results; how most of us put in a lot of effort attempting to establish a sense of dominion over our lives. We set goals, we pursue dreams, we map out plans and create expectations about how our lives will go. When we are 18 and naive, we create timelines that detail perfectly planned and well executed educations and careers and personal relationships.

Mine went like this:

“I will go to college because even though what I want is to be a famous Broadway Star, it’s important to have an education to fall back on. So, I will get my bachelors degree by age 22, and my teaching credential by 23. Then I’ll move to New York, where I will live a fabulous single life for a couple of  years, auditioning for Broadway shows. Then, I’ll probably meet the MOMD (Man of My Dreams), and we will move back to California, settling in an idyllic beach town – probably Santa Barbara. We will get married after we date for two and a half years, and four years after that, we will have our first child, a boy, followed by the girl 2 years later. Happily ever after – the end.”

What actually happened was something not entirely different than that, but not entirely the same (the Broadway success didn’t happen by the way) (and neither did MOMD. More just M).

We live our lives, and we learn to adjust our dreams and expectations as we go. Dreams change, we find ourselves on a path we never imagined, and we shift our hopes and expectations because: healthy. We set goals, and we cross things off our list of accomplishments. In this way, we exercise agency in our own lives, and we learn that when we want something  we have to do the work to get that thing. We make it happen. College degree? Check. Advanced degree? Check. Husband? Check. Career? Check. Babies? Check. Marathon? Check.

But, things happen as we go along checking off our lists. Things that remind us that, at the end of the day, control is an illusion. Death of a cherished loved one, divorce, car accident, injury, natural disaster, terrorist attack, mass shootings…

In other words, SHIT HAPPENS. 

Shit happens. We are always thinking we have all this control over the future – and then something happens to just rock your world, trip you up, and fuck with your whole plan.

BUT. Does that mean we should just give up? Just throw up our hands and stop trying for the things we want most?

Hell no!

We owe it to ourselves to take control of as much happiness as we can. We aren’t handed a “Happiness Guaranteed” card when we are born. No, we have to FIGHT FOR THAT SHIT. We have to create as much agency as we are able in spite of no guarantee. We have to RELAX, NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL while at the same time we CHASE OUR DREAMS and know that HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE.

Because otherwise, what’s the point?